So last night was my weird friend (guy 1) b-day.
I met guy1 at my old job. He came in for an application I gave it to him and he left, but when I gave it to him he smiled the smile I wasn’t reaching for. What I mean is he smiled to leave a good impression for a possible job, I on the other hand was bored and wanted to flirt to gain anyone’s attention, if even for a moment (my fix of codependency/narcissism) so, I needed to get the you are hot “I can’t take my attention away from you” kind of smile to maintain a somewhat balance emotional stability. Within the week I saw him again. I found myself attracted to him not for his looks, or rank in life, but for his social or should I say antisocial vulnerability. I always seem to go for the “completely” something’s. The complete weirdo, complete antisocial, complete attention giver, and complete dependant (if I feel like they need me so much, it’s not so bad to need them so much) So out of boredom and pure instant gratification needs I began my “catch a nerd regiment” I gave hints and eventually gave hints of my “crush” on guy1 to coworkers that would help with my victory. We eventually hung out. Our first, date was confusing. I felt like I liked him because he liked me, like if I didn’t know he liked me I would not like him” We hung out a few times drinking boxed wine, taking melatonin sleeping pills, and talking Benadryl. I only called him when I had no money to drink, was lonely, or just needed something to fill my time and feel useful. After, a couple of months of substance abuse the abuse became addiction. I live with guy1 now. My relationship with my ex roommate (owing his friend money, etc.) turned out to be some shriveled up grape that needed to be thrown away, like most situations and people in my life. I didn’t have a job (I have had at least 21 jobs in my life so far), money, or an alternative as far as living situations. So, I almost feel that I unconsciously or unintentionally found guy1 for a reason maybe, not this particular reason, but for reasons. He helped me move my stuff to a new place which, fell to shit in twenty seven days because of my hill Billy ex roommate and my inability to accept living in a place I didn’t want to live ( I would have rather stay in a shelter (like in the past) than be somewhere I don’t want to be. He then helped me move my stuff to his place to stay. I now live with guy1, paying no rent, no house chores, and even no obligations.
So in short guy1 is so antisocial and weird I first, hung out with him to make him feel normal. Now, I live with him to make him feel infatuated, dependant, and unworthy of me therefore, unworthy of hanging out with me in any normal (clubs, bars) social, way. He doesn’t use me for sex (it’s been almost a year and we still haven’t had sex), nor money, he needs me because he allows his self to need me to live with a small piece of peace.
So on guy1’s b-day we had a couple of drinks at a few bars. I got buzzed off just four drinks. Which is not usual for an alcoholic and frequent substance abuser? I ran out of money. I decided to take a taxi about six blocks down to my house and grab some more money from my shoebox savings account. I gave the cab driver my empty purse to assure him I would pay him and not just skip the fare. While, getting out of the taxi I looked up and saw my friend (guy 2). (Pause)
Before we go on I should give you my history of guy2.
Guy2 and I met at a bar while, I was out by myself hopping (or staggering) to varies bars. By the end of the night I thought he was a psycho who wanted to kill me (he drove far away from the city to drop his friend off) and made sure to tell him that I thought he was a psycho before he didn’t attempt to kill me and dropped me home! The next day he texted me and asked if I wanted to go to the movies. I felt surprised, unsure, satisfied, anxious, and apprehensive all at the same time. I accepted the date just to fill my day returning home from Christmas trip from my grandma’s house. When we were on our way to the movies I talked his fucking ear off with facts, theories, my theories, perception, and anything I could think of to say to arouse information hunger “fun facts” about me. To shorten this up we went out two times and on his birthday he asked me to take a Metra train to another state (drivable distance) for a spontaneous quick trip for the hell of it. That when I first, realized I had him, he was thinking about me without me even enticing it. So if I enticed it I would have him infatuated in no time. We went, he paid for everything and then we came back. While Metra training it back all he talked about was how much fun he had, how he had never done that before, to let him know if he does something I don’t like (lol!!!), and when could we hang out again. I felt a little overwhelmed, He is a great guy in all and I would totally be his girl friend, but what happens when I don’t feel the same tomorrow and then want to be with him the day after tomorrow. Could this hot health nut , foreign Tibetan, graduate student, Buddhist guru, kind hearted, and genuinely good person really handle a young, alcoholic, irresponsible, stubborn, manipulative, emotional rec, dependant, conterdependant, narcissist, and borderline nut case. I don’t think so, but he probably won’t last, lone enough for consideration given that no one does.
So in short, when I first, met guy2 I thought he wouldn’t like me so I told myself he completely had to be a wacko and had to be handled like a wacko should be handled, but later realized, he really likes me and now I am overwhelmed with this infatuation I have created and am done playing.
After, getting out of the taxi ironically right in front of guy2, I told him I was only out and didn’t pick up my phone because of my friends birthday. A friend who apparently celebrated their birthday yesterday (when I blew you off) and today (while I was in the process of blowing you off). I uttered these lies quickly and ran to get money from my apartment. I came down and the cab I had waiting was gone. I asked guy2 where the taxi went. And he responded by telling me he paid the fare and the cabby left. I searched his body with my eyes and saw no trace of my purse. In a blink of the eye I freaked, I felt he was such a psycho because he completely had to have paid the cab fare and let the cabby take the purse because my phone, my fake id, and my social life would all be gone with little effort and he could have me all to himself. I yelled and yelled and yelled (Indicating all the while of my suspicions of him) about me not understanding why the cabby would take a purse with an old phone, fake id, and Burt’s bees wax Chap Stick. I mean I don’t think I dated an ex that was a cabby on stalker lane. I decided to at least go get my jacket from the bar guy1 was at. In a short 46 seconds I bided a mean and cold farewell bitch to the prematurely accused stalker guru. Once I got back to the bar guy1 had left, I guess I can’t blame him this is the second time out of the two times we went out publicly/socially I left him to pursue some other drunken endeavor. I used someone’s phone to call my own phone. The remedial cabby answered and agreed to meet me at a gas station to give me back my purse. By the time I got home guy1 was home. He looked pissed and a little psycho so I went into a huge rant about how frustrated and overwhelmed I was about the last hour of torture I endured. Not thinking once about his b-day or scavenger hunt for me that consumed his whole night (not that he had one worthwhile any way). While, ranting I popped two melatonin, eight Benadryl, and drank Nyquil to wash it down. Because I didn’t have access to liquor. By the end of the night I came to a realization. I wanted to unintentionally commit suicide, what I mean is, cause bodily harm (sleeping pills+alchol everyday, ciggs, occasional drug binges), but not actually commit suicide. I know that there is a chance to die from such concoctions, but was and still am content with the thought of maybe dying, but not actually enforcing it.
I need a name, a title, or a diagnosis of some personality disorder, or anything that’s wrong with me to give me clarity for my mania of self inflicting pain mentally, emotionally, and physical.
